Alone, I could barely light a match; but together we could burn this place down.

There was an excessive amount of traffic on my way home from work today. It has been one of those work days that just drags on forever and ever. Probably because I’m anticipating a trip to Cleveland tomorrow, and also because I’m bored with what I’m working on. I’ve managed to gravitate away from working with C and am now suddenly K’s puppet. Which I don’t mind, really, because I like K and I like doing stuff for the online portion of the mag. But I’ve been doing lots of the same things- headers, galleries, etc. I’m not gonna complain about it because I love this job. Seriously. It’s probably saved me from going totally insane this summer. But I’m getting tired and the last day next week is beginning to look a little like the light at the end of the tunnel. School is gonna be starting in 3 weeks or so and some of my books have already come in. That’s going to be tough, as well, living in that fucking town again for a few months. Think I forget how to do it for more than 2 days at a time.

Next semester doesn’t feel real to me. It feels like a sham, like some kind of joke that someone is trying to play on me. I am quite excited to live with KB though. (not to be confused with KP, who is really KS if you want to get technical) Speaking of KS, I called her on my way home from work today. She thinks we need to talk more, which I agree with, and it was nice to have her join me for my drive home. I miss her and it’s really too bad that we got to be better friends so late in our college careers. I mean, we always hung out together but I was much closer to AH, obviously, and LM. But LM isn’t someone I really know well anymore. That makes me a little sad because JS has changed her so much. She can’t see it though. But everyone else can. I guess I just miss the opportunities that I never got a chance to have with some people who aren’t gonna be in town anymore. The friendships that could’ve developed more and everything. You take things for granted while you’re in school. And when it’s all over, you’re left wondering where all the time went. The amount of missing that I feel for RP, AH, LM, KS, even KW sometimes… and JC, MF, TK, JG, ZT, KB… is just overwhelming at times. Memories.

JC has texted me a lot today, but not for anything important. Just talks about how he’s cleaning his new house. I can’t tell how he feels towards me. I don’t know if he just texts me when he’s bored because he considers me a friend that he can tell boring things to. Or if he is doing it for some other reason unknown to either of us at the moment. I text back. But maybe I should make him wait a little. But wait, now I’m getting into the territory that stinks of games and deceit and leveling the playing field. I don’t want to play games this year. I don’t want to tease. I don’t want to love and break. I just want some honesty and some ease. Not so sure I’ll be getting that though. Think that’s up to me. And whoever else decides to like me. MF, not included.

Don’t think or judge. Just listen.

If I could quote Sarah Dessen all day, I would.

I got to go back to BG this past weekend, and this time around the trip was basically worth it. It went better than last time in some regards, and felt all too familiar for my liking in others. It’s making me increasingly sad that all of my best friends will not be there this semester. I’ve never really had to fly solo at this school. I was welcomed with open arms into a group of friends without hesitation the day I transferred there and I’ve never really looked back. It’s going to be an adjustment, that’s for sure. I mean, I still have friends. But the relationships aren’t as close. The trust isn’t there. But I’ll make do. I’ll figure it out. Because it’s not like I have any other choice in the matter, right?

My internship ends in less than 2 weeks now. I can’t even believe that. It makes me sad when they talk about projects they’re gonna be working on 3 weeks from now. I never say it out loud, but I always think that I won’t be there for that. I’m shocked that I’m legit sad about leaving but working for this magazine has just changed so much for me. It’s pushed me. It’s opened some doors. And I love the people there and the energy. I hope they ask me back for a permanent position because that would make me really happy.

This is a short update, but then again, the rest of this summer’s writings have been equally short in length as well. Perhaps I’m becoming more succinct? Or there’s just less to talk about.

Everything you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it, because nobody else will.

“Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it. Because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you’re nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make her yours forever.”

I wish I had a wireless keyboard. I’m getting annoyed with sitting at desks lately. I go to work, I sit at a desk. I stare at a screen. I come home, I sit at a desk. I stare at a screen. I’d like to lounge on my bed and type, but alas. I am restricted with wires and a bulky monitor (beautiful as it is) and a chair that’s quite uncomfortable. Perhaps that’s why I don’t write nearly as much anymore, or perhaps I’m just making an excuse that sounds like bullshit to appease myself and my thoughts.

The movie “Remember Me” wasn’t bad. It wasn’t the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen but it made me cry. A movie strikes as fairly powerful when it makes me cry. Rob Pattinson didn’t do a terrible job acting either. I’m shocked to say that he showed some emotional range. Not once did I think, “Oh, he’s acting like Edward Cullen and grimacing too much.” He did quite fantastically with the script and all that. I saw the ending coming because I stumbled across some spoiler a while back. I wish I hadn’t known. Hindsight is a bitch.

The summer is just ticking by, day after day. People have come and gone since I’ve been home. My heart has been crumpled just a little more than it was before. I’m not sure how that’s possible, really. If any more of this keeps happening, my heart might just stop beating altogether. But I don’t want that. I promise.

The need for something more interesting to say is on my mind. This blog has become stale and boring… but then again, so has my life. I go to work. I see some friends. There’s not much worthy of writing about. I could be like some people and find some mindless moral to the story in my day and write about that but I don’t believe my days necessarily have some overall meaning to them. At the end of the day, life is just a smattering of events shoved together with no real rhyme or reason. Not every single thing is connected. There is no overall theme. I’m in a dark place right now so don’t take these words too seriously. I’ve just had enough of the bullshit. Enough of the hope.

I will put my hopes on a string, and tie them to my wrists like balloons. They won’t get too high, then. My feet wont lift off the ground an inch. I will stay grounded. My head won’t even skim the surface of the clouds. This year…this school year anyway… I will be better.

And if I’m not better, then I don’t know what will happen. Not really.

A funk.

Someone, please, kick my ass enough so that I start writing again. I can’t keep letting work, and friends, and family, and other interests continue to get in the way. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a writer. Right now though- I am a sham of a writer. I’ve got tiny ideas in my head that never see the light of day. I can’t force myself to put words to the screen. And I really wish I could. I’m really thinking about joining an online writing group again. Getting consistent feedback- whether it is criticism or encouragement, really helps me to keep pushing forward. I’ve lost the drive to write for just myself. Is it so bad to write for an audience??

Jar of Hearts- Christina Perri

“Im beginning to realize that the only time anything good has ever happened to me or those around me — is when something was let go of. A fear. A dream. Control. Disbelief. Caution. Guards. Pessimism. Reason… etc… it’s kind of loud + obvious but it’s kind of the hardest thing to do.

So it’s okay if you’re still holding on tight to something you know you need to let go of. The first part is realizing you need to let go. That’s all. Just the thought. It will never go away once it’s come— so don’t worry. Be happy you’ve come to the beginning of something…

So let it go. Let him go. Let her go. Let yourself go. Let your parents go. Let your fear go. Let your anxiety go. Let your heartbreak go. Let your self loathing go. Let your lack of faith go. Let your anger go. Let your hate go. Let your jealousy go. Let your laziness go. Let your ego go. Let your self let go. I dare you.“