I haven’t written on here in an insanely long time. I’m not sure why I even need to write that, but it makes me validate the fact that I’ve neglected blogging for quite some time. But it’s not that I haven’t been writing every day, because… I have. I’m in my last creative writing workshop of my life right now at school, and my teacher has come up with something brilliant for us to do throughout the semester. She calls it the 30 Works, 30 Days challenge. She’s making us keep a blog and write something every day. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece. It doesn’t have to be excessive. There are no real parameters. But I’m enjoying it more than I thought I would.
For the last year or so, my writing has been in a funk. I’ve made that known on here and some of you have been SO supportive of me and my writing. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. But this blog is kinda making me get back into the groove of writing again. So I think I’m going to share the link here, just in case anyone out there wants to read some things I’ve been working on.
http://30days30works.wordpress.com/
I’m up to Day 15 so far. The halfway mark. There have been about two days now that I’ve stumbled a little. I didn’t update one day because I went to a bar and just was NOT in the mood to write a damn thing. And another day, I simply had writer’s block. But even so, it’s forcing me to look at some events in my life that I’ve been avoiding- and getting them down on a page. I fictionalize and over-exaggerate of course. But each of the things I write still rings a little true to me. Even in the tiniest bit. And I like it. I like that this is helping me write more. Maybe even write better. I’m not sure yet.
So besides that writing challenge, what else is worthy of talking about? There are lots of things going on in my life lately. I tend to always focus on the romantic mishaps of my own life, and there are plenty of those afoot. It amazes me, the person I’ve become in comparison to this time last year. At this exact date last year, I’d never even been kissed by a boy. And now… now I think I’m seeking validation of myself through the physical aspects of relationships with guys. Someone should just psycho-analyze me. And then slap me.
That’s not a good thing. I know it’s not. I don’t want to be like this. I want something real. I want to fall in love and be happy. But I’m in college. Most of the college-aged guys here aren’t looking for things like that. They want sex. They want physical gratification. They want casual. I’ve bent my own standards a few too many times within this past week… one guy I do regret letting things get to where they got after we went to dinner one night, and another I don’t. He’s the one who seems most genuine. He’s nice. He’s funny. He’s aggressive when he needs to be but not in an off-putting way. He wasn’t pushing things to go faster. He was the first person things have felt right with since my ex. But he isn’t looking for what I want him to look for. And you really can’t force these things.
But I’m afraid of who I’m becoming. I don’t know how to do this balancing act all the time. Of being like the rest of the 22-year-old population and giving out my feelings and my body like it doesn’t matter. Don’t get me wrong. I still haven’t had sex with anyone. That’s one of those things that I still cannot compromise on, no matter how much I may want to sometimes. Can’t do it unless I’m in a relationship. For right now.
This is just difficult. The idea of a drama free semester seemed nice…but I know well enough now that I don’t enjoy the way my life was at this time last year. When I was entirely too cautious. Where I over-thought every single move I made.
Besides all of this craziness happening with the matters of the heart, I’ve also been rekindling another romance. Of the music variety. Brand New is a band that I’ve solidly loved for a few years now. Ever since that pesky ex turned me onto their music, I was hooked. Today I decided to bust out some of their old albums. Deja Entendu. Your Favorite Weapon. The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me. I can’t stop listening. I never stopped loving. But their music took a nose-dive on my playlists for the last few months or so. And I’m just so damn happy to be hearing them again. I can listen to them and not feel sickened by old memories of people I used to know. Their lyrics are so honest. And so poetic. I’d marry Jesse Lacey. Just saying. Just for the way that boy writes.
So to make this post a little more interesting… I’m posting a video of a song that is just ripping through me right now.
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