Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02: Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

For the last year or so, my writing has been in a funk. I’ve made that known on here and some of you have been SO supportive of me and my writing. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. But this blog is kinda making me get back into the groove of writing again. So I think I’m going to share the link here, just in case anyone out there wants to read some things I’ve been working on.

http://30days30works.wordpress.com/

I’m up to Day 15 so far. The halfway mark. There have been about two days now that I’ve stumbled a little. I didn’t update one day because I went to a bar and just was NOT in the mood to write a damn thing. And another day, I simply had writer’s block. But even so, it’s forcing me to look at some events in my life that I’ve been avoiding- and getting them down on a page. I fictionalize and over-exaggerate of course. But each of the things I write still rings a little true to me. Even in the tiniest bit. And I like it. I like that this is helping me write more. Maybe even write better. I’m not sure yet.

So besides that writing challenge, what else is worthy of talking about? There are lots of things going on in my life lately. I tend to always focus on the romantic mishaps of my own life, and there are plenty of those afoot. It amazes me, the person I’ve become in comparison to this time last year. At this exact date last year, I’d never even been kissed by a boy. And now… now I think I’m seeking validation of myself through the physical aspects of relationships with guys. Someone should just psycho-analyze me. And then slap me.

That’s not a good thing. I know it’s not. I don’t want to be like this. I want something real. I want to fall in love and be happy. But I’m in college. Most of the college-aged guys here aren’t looking for things like that. They want sex. They want physical gratification. They want casual. I’ve bent my own standards a few too many times within this past week… one guy I do regret letting things get to where they got after we went to dinner one night, and another I don’t. He’s the one who seems most genuine. He’s nice. He’s funny. He’s aggressive when he needs to be but not in an off-putting way. He wasn’t pushing things to go faster. He was the first person things have felt right with since my ex. But he isn’t looking for what I want him to look for. And you really can’t force these things.

But I’m afraid of who I’m becoming. I don’t know how to do this balancing act all the time. Of being like the rest of the 22-year-old population and giving out my feelings and my body like it doesn’t matter. Don’t get me wrong. I still haven’t had sex with anyone. That’s one of those things that I still cannot compromise on, no matter how much I may want to sometimes. Can’t do it unless I’m in a relationship. For right now.

This is just difficult. The idea of a drama free semester seemed nice…but I know well enough now that I don’t enjoy the way my life was at this time last year. When I was entirely too cautious. Where I over-thought every single move I made.

Besides all of this craziness happening with the matters of the heart, I’ve also been rekindling another romance. Of the music variety. Brand New is a band that I’ve solidly loved for a few years now. Ever since that pesky ex turned me onto their music, I was hooked. Today I decided to bust out some of their old albums. Deja Entendu. Your Favorite Weapon. The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me. I can’t stop listening. I never stopped loving. But their music took a nose-dive on my playlists for the last few months or so. And I’m just so damn happy to be hearing them again. I can listen to them and not feel sickened by old memories of people I used to know. Their lyrics are so honest. And so poetic. I’d marry Jesse Lacey. Just saying. Just for the way that boy writes.

So to make this post a little more interesting… I’m posting a video of a song that is just ripping through me right now.

It’s like gargling warm salt-water

but this is where 3:23 AM finds us,

fumbling around in a living room

made for ghosts

Lack of furniture urges me

not to stay, to pass through quickly

lest I get forgotten in this house

full of empty rooms

This blanket will do

Another means to an end,

and this is the night that I’m doing

everything I swore I wouldn’t

When I walk away from here

with my body flushed, my mouth

warm with something and my heart racing

to an unsteady beat

I’m not so sure I won’t regret you

and all the words you whispered to me

while we got to know each other

in the dark

Because the shadows are where it’s safest,

where every facet of you and I

can be stripped down and exposed-

and I know who I am now

I know who you are now

and never thought I’d let a loneliness

exceed my mind, let my heart plunge

ahead of my thoughts for an evening

We embrace, we exhaust, we breathe

into each other and out of each other

with your hands trying so damn hard

and your heart open for me to see.

I guess I’m a better actor than you.

________________________________________________

Hide and Seek (March 21, 2010)

I catch you

only in glimpses now,

in quick succession               every             couple               seconds.

Lately, that’s how the memories come too.

Quick flashes.

Blips and blurs.

That smile you gave me once.

Your blue shirt that smells like my detergent now.

A kiss on the mouth.

This is what I’d call an impasse

and the feet seem like miles

between us. You clean up well.

I’ve missed you, but maybe I’m missing you alone.

You’re just around the corner,

standing against the wall

lined with typographic explorations

and animal masks. A senior’s thesis.

We just miss each other

by

mere

seconds.

There is no eye contact,

no quiet moment held between our gazes

from the opposite ends of this gallery.

No, there is only you

surrounded by conversation

and girls in pretty dresses.

I hide behind a wall of someone else’s work,

wondering where your display is

throughout this mess of an exhibition

and hope to God you see me,

and hope to God you don’t.

_______________________________________________

I Suppose (January 23, 2010)

I’m shaking you off like a second skin

Each layer peeling away, thin and brittle

As I feel lighter without the weight

I dog-eared the page of that book you lent me

And I haven’t decided just yet if you’ll get that back

If you do, perhaps you’ll remember me

On page 57- the page I stopped reading

Because I don’t care that it’s your favorite book

I still have the shirt you let me borrow

On Halloween night, when everything changed

I have decided that I’ll be keeping that

The one thing I feel like holding onto from you

There are little scraps of paper in my trash can

Notes written from you now left in pieces

Consider this my final thoughts

My tiny helpless grasp at closure

I suppose this is moving on

I decided the blog needed an update so I implemented a new theme and all that jazz. Cleaned up my about me section and my cast of characters. Make this a little easier to read, perhaps. I was reading some old posts and I think I might post some writing I did a few months ago… just to have it up on here. Stay tuned for the next few posts… they’ll probably all be writing-based.

Next semester doesn’t feel real to me. It feels like a sham, like some kind of joke that someone is trying to play on me. I am quite excited to live with KB though. (not to be confused with KP, who is really KS if you want to get technical) Speaking of KS, I called her on my way home from work today. She thinks we need to talk more, which I agree with, and it was nice to have her join me for my drive home. I miss her and it’s really too bad that we got to be better friends so late in our college careers. I mean, we always hung out together but I was much closer to AH, obviously, and LM. But LM isn’t someone I really know well anymore. That makes me a little sad because JS has changed her so much. She can’t see it though. But everyone else can. I guess I just miss the opportunities that I never got a chance to have with some people who aren’t gonna be in town anymore. The friendships that could’ve developed more and everything. You take things for granted while you’re in school. And when it’s all over, you’re left wondering where all the time went. The amount of missing that I feel for RP, AH, LM, KS, even KW sometimes… and JC, MF, TK, JG, ZT, KB… is just overwhelming at times. Memories.

JC has texted me a lot today, but not for anything important. Just talks about how he’s cleaning his new house. I can’t tell how he feels towards me. I don’t know if he just texts me when he’s bored because he considers me a friend that he can tell boring things to. Or if he is doing it for some other reason unknown to either of us at the moment. I text back. But maybe I should make him wait a little. But wait, now I’m getting into the territory that stinks of games and deceit and leveling the playing field. I don’t want to play games this year. I don’t want to tease. I don’t want to love and break. I just want some honesty and some ease. Not so sure I’ll be getting that though. Think that’s up to me. And whoever else decides to like me. MF, not included.

I got to go back to BG this past weekend, and this time around the trip was basically worth it. It went better than last time in some regards, and felt all too familiar for my liking in others. It’s making me increasingly sad that all of my best friends will not be there this semester. I’ve never really had to fly solo at this school. I was welcomed with open arms into a group of friends without hesitation the day I transferred there and I’ve never really looked back. It’s going to be an adjustment, that’s for sure. I mean, I still have friends. But the relationships aren’t as close. The trust isn’t there. But I’ll make do. I’ll figure it out. Because it’s not like I have any other choice in the matter, right?

My internship ends in less than 2 weeks now. I can’t even believe that. It makes me sad when they talk about projects they’re gonna be working on 3 weeks from now. I never say it out loud, but I always think that I won’t be there for that. I’m shocked that I’m legit sad about leaving but working for this magazine has just changed so much for me. It’s pushed me. It’s opened some doors. And I love the people there and the energy. I hope they ask me back for a permanent position because that would make me really happy.

This is a short update, but then again, the rest of this summer’s writings have been equally short in length as well. Perhaps I’m becoming more succinct? Or there’s just less to talk about.

I wish I had a wireless keyboard. I’m getting annoyed with sitting at desks lately. I go to work, I sit at a desk. I stare at a screen. I come home, I sit at a desk. I stare at a screen. I’d like to lounge on my bed and type, but alas. I am restricted with wires and a bulky monitor (beautiful as it is) and a chair that’s quite uncomfortable. Perhaps that’s why I don’t write nearly as much anymore, or perhaps I’m just making an excuse that sounds like bullshit to appease myself and my thoughts.

The movie “Remember Me” wasn’t bad. It wasn’t the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen but it made me cry. A movie strikes as fairly powerful when it makes me cry. Rob Pattinson didn’t do a terrible job acting either. I’m shocked to say that he showed some emotional range. Not once did I think, “Oh, he’s acting like Edward Cullen and grimacing too much.” He did quite fantastically with the script and all that. I saw the ending coming because I stumbled across some spoiler a while back. I wish I hadn’t known. Hindsight is a bitch.

The summer is just ticking by, day after day. People have come and gone since I’ve been home. My heart has been crumpled just a little more than it was before. I’m not sure how that’s possible, really. If any more of this keeps happening, my heart might just stop beating altogether. But I don’t want that. I promise.

The need for something more interesting to say is on my mind. This blog has become stale and boring… but then again, so has my life. I go to work. I see some friends. There’s not much worthy of writing about. I could be like some people and find some mindless moral to the story in my day and write about that but I don’t believe my days necessarily have some overall meaning to them. At the end of the day, life is just a smattering of events shoved together with no real rhyme or reason. Not every single thing is connected. There is no overall theme. I’m in a dark place right now so don’t take these words too seriously. I’ve just had enough of the bullshit. Enough of the hope.

I will put my hopes on a string, and tie them to my wrists like balloons. They won’t get too high, then. My feet wont lift off the ground an inch. I will stay grounded. My head won’t even skim the surface of the clouds. This year…this school year anyway… I will be better.

And if I’m not better, then I don’t know what will happen. Not really.

So it’s okay if you’re still holding on tight to something you know you need to let go of. The first part is realizing you need to let go. That’s all. Just the thought. It will never go away once it’s come— so don’t worry. Be happy you’ve come to the beginning of something…

So let it go. Let him go. Let her go. Let yourself go. Let your parents go. Let your fear go. Let your anxiety go. Let your heartbreak go. Let your self loathing go. Let your lack of faith go. Let your anger go. Let your hate go. Let your jealousy go. Let your laziness go. Let your ego go. Let your self let go. I dare you.“

I can’t get that song out of my head. And also, for what it’s worth…

I have no idea who I’ve become anymore. I don’t think my entire identity should lie with how I acted with one person. Or another person. But I can’t help but feel like I don’t have much to offer someone anymore. I don’t like thinking like this.